


Sleep (At Sunrise)

by Hey Future Fish (PoisonedDeath)



Series: Trans Setter Squad [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Agender Character, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Coming Out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-22 13:15:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7440595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoisonedDeath/pseuds/Hey%20Future%20Fish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They knew all too well that they had no obligation, but for their own comfort, they'd decided that being honest was for the best.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Static

**Author's Note:**

> hey hey hey
> 
> here's the next part of this series! it's set before the next one, and it's all about kageyama!
> 
> pls come yell at me on [tumblr](http://hells-puppet.tumblr.com/) about haikyuu.

Kageyama stared up at the ceiling, imagining intricate shapes in the darkness of their bedroom. They were lying on the bed, almost paralyzed by the reminder of what they were going to do when the sun came up. They knew all too well that they had no obligation, but for their own comfort, they'd decided that being honest was for the best. They'd told their parents earlier, and neither had reacted strongly either way. Tobio suspected that they were confused and didn't truly comprehend what their only child had told them, but Kageyama was okay with that.

Letting out a deep sigh, Tobio closed their eyes. They were fairly certain that there would be no issues with the team - Suga was just like Kageyama and the team had been nothing but accepting toward them. But Suga was a third year, a senpai that had to be respected. Kageyama Tobio was a mere first year, hadn't even been in high school for six months. What if the team didn't respect them? No, that was ridiculous, Tobio decided. Of course the team would be fine - they were family, after all.

But what if it was Suga that somehow didn't accept them because they'd taken Suga's place on the team? They needed Suga's support, the pair needed to stick together, didn't they? Kageyama knew they were clutching at straws now, that they were being utterly ridiculous. Suga was too kind for spite, even if Kageyama had taken their starting position in their final year of high school. They were rivals, yes, but they were also teammates. They fought for the same cause - and they fought in ways more similar than Suga realized.

Kageyama tried their best to stop thinking. Feeble attempts to distract themself continued to no avail, each small thought, each tiny idea, being gobbled up by the lingering anxiety. They weren't ready, but would they ever be? The window was open in their bedroom, and a stray gust of wind sent a chill down the setter's spine. 

Although they tried not to think about it, Tobio knew there was also the issue of the rest of the school. People would hear, and no one particularly liked Kageyama - they weren't cheerful like Hinata or bold like Tanaka or caring like Suga. Even Suga was regularly misgendered but, they just didn't seem to care - probably because they're caring, or something like that. It surprised Kageyama that Suga didn't assert their gender more often. Suga's change of pronoun had been the only change, after all, just like Tobio's would be, but what if it backfired like it did with Suga? Tobio didn't ever want to be called a boy again, not if they could help it. They weren't forgiving and understanding in the same way as Suga, wouldn't tolerate it the way Suga could. Kageyama suspected that very few people outside of the team even knew Suga was agender. And with all of that in mind, all the other teams would hear and what if they used it against Tobio? What if Oikawa used it as a way to prove he's better than them? Kageyama ran their hands over their face and sighed. It didn't seem very likely that they'd be getting much, if any, sleep that night.

Rolling onto their side, they curled up on the bed and sighed. It was going to be a rough day tomorrow, for sure, but they knew it'd be worth it. The digital clock read 11:53 and Tobio just stayed there, still, listening to the late night silence as they tried to will their mind to quieten down so that they could sleep. They really needed as much energy as possible to deal with whatever would happen in the morning.


	2. Inhale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobio could not allow themself the luxury of thinking - it would end badly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh man i really need to improve at writing dialogue
> 
> i decided to split this into two so there'll be one more chapter
> 
> as always pls say [hi](http://hells-puppet.tumblr.com/) i'm lonely

The next morning, Tobio didn't allow themself to stop and think for even a moment. They washed, dressed and ate within twenty minutes before running out of the house and heading to school. They were all too aware that they should at least _attempt_ to formulate some kind of plan, even if they didn't end up following it, but that involved thinking. Tobio could not allow themself the luxury of thinking - it would end badly. They needed to keep themself as calm as possible, even if they could already feel their chest tightening with the growing anxiety.

It was no surprise to them that they were the first to arrive at the gym for morning practice, and when Hinata came speeding over to them not too long later, they were relieved. Hinata's vibrancy made him a perfect distraction, so Kageyama sat and listened to their friend ramble on about something Kenma had said, and how he was hoping to visit his friend in Tokyo soon. Of course, Tobio didn't need this information, but they took in every word that tumbled from the orange haired boy's lips - their senpai wouldn't arrive for at least another ten minutes, so the pair were sitting, backs pressed against the wall behind them, waiting. Tobio was wishing that they'd asked for the keys to the gym the previous day - having a volleyball in their hands would have made the time pass a lot quicker.

When Suga and Daichi did arrive, Kageyama felt all of the air inside of them disappear. They felt as if they were being suffocated while simultaneously being choked as they tried their best not to throw up the breakfast they'd eaten. They'd _known_ it would be like this, but now that the time was almost upon them, they wanted to run. There was no way they could say it. Besides, they'd have to speak to one of the two third years who were unlocking the doors first, to get permission to make the announcement to the rest of the team. One of the captains. There was only one choice there, Tobio decided. Despite their doubts from the previous night, they knew that it was in their best interest to come out to Suga first. Gathering up as much strength as they could with a deep inhale, Tobio climbed to their feet and approached Sugawara.

"Suga-san, could I talk to you?" the words came out more desperate than they'd intended, and a light frown quilted Suga's features.  
"Of course. Give me a second, Daichi?" the third year quickly made their boyfriend aware of their departure, and then signaled for Kageyama to follow them. "So, what's wrong?"  
"I want to make an... announcement to the team," the younger setter mumbled, eyes fixed on the ground. Suga's voice was bright, calming, comforting as they responded.  
"Okay. Would you like some help?"  
"Y-yes. I don't know what to say. I only told my parents last night but I want things to change. I can't take it anymore," Tobio tried their hardest not to get frantic, but their voice was shaking along with their hands that they kept clasping together, then unclasping, only to link them together again.

"Would you like to tell me what's going on? You don't have to tell me now, not if you don't want to. But remember anything you say is between us, it's your decision, and I'll support you no matter what, okay?" Suga reached an arm out and gave Tobio's shoulder a squeeze of reassurance. Tobio's head snapped up at the contact and they allowed themself to nod, feigning confidence. The illusion was shattered within a second as they chewed their bottom lip.

"I-I... I'm... I'm the same as you, Suga-san. I'm not... I'm not," and they turned away, on the verge of tears. The words wouldn't come, but the tears were climbing out of the darker haired setter's eyes and the world was spinning, but then the arms reached out to rest on their shoulders. Those surprisingly strong arms steadied them and helped them turn around to face the other setter, the owner of the arms, once again.

"It's okay, Kageyama. It's going to be okay. I don't... I don't know exactly what you mean by that, but I promise you, everything's going to be okay," and Suga pulled their teammate into a hug, allowed Tobio to sob into their hoodie as they tried their best to soothe their kouhai. Tobio was leaning down so that they could cry on Koushi's shoulder, the sounds of harsh, desperate breaths and sniffing filling the air as Suga rubbed the darker haired setter's back. The two stood there for a while, until Kageyama's breathing started to even out, and their tears had begun to dry.

"Sorry about that, Suga-san. I was overwhelmed," the younger apologized as they stepped away, face stoic once again - but the puffy eyes and blotchy face gave them away.

"It's okay, Kageyama. Really, but let's wait here for a moment - you don't look particularly great." The small smile that Suga gave to their kouhai was enough to persuade their own lips to twitch upwards slightly too. Tobio turned away, glancing up at the sky and letting the words fall past their lips.

"I'm agender."  
"And that's fine, Tobio. You know that, right? It's all going to be fine," the hand returned to Kageyama's shoulder again, and they were grateful for the support.

"I want everyone to know. The team, the school, the other teams. I don't want to be called a boy anymore. It... It bothers me. I'm not like you, can't be okay with it like you, and I'm terrified. People don't like me much, and... It's just... It's not ideal," they finally turned around to face their silver-haired teammate. Suga inhaled deeply, and nodded.

"It's going to be difficult, Kageyama. I won't lie, nor will I sugarcoat it for you. You're not the type to want it sugarcoated anyway, really. It's gonna be hard. There are going to be days when you'll wonder if it's really worth it, but it will be. You'll get there - you'll find how you're most comfortable, okay? I know I'm pretty relaxed about it all, and it's not that I don't care - I'm in my third year, I'm leaving soon and then I'll start afresh, which is what I always planned on. For me, it's easier this way. I can understand wholly why you want everyone to know, and I'm going to be here for you, the team's going to be here for you. Because we're that - a team. A family," and there were tears pricking in Tobio's eyes again. Suga's words were so full of their truth, of how they felt, and so full of love and kindness, and Tobio wasn't used to expressing gratitude. They weren't used to expressing much of _anything_ , if they were honest.

"Thank you," they finally managed to say, wiping at their eyes with the heels of their hands. Suga flashed a wide smile - one of pride and hope, and once again, the corners of Kageyama's lips upturned instinctively.

"It's really no problem. Now, let's wait a few minutes before we head back - we don't want to be late for practice, do we?"


	3. Exhale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nerves flooded through Tobio's body, racing through their veins, and they took deep breaths in an attempt to calm themself.

When the pair arrived back to the gym, the rest of the team were already warming up. Nerves flooded through Tobio's body, racing through their veins, and they took deep breaths in an attempt to calm themself.

"You can leave it for today, Kageyama. You've already been so brave," Suga said to the younger setter, a tiny, gentle smile on their lips. Kageyama knew that their teammate was genuine, but they weren't going to quit, weren't going to give up. Not yet - not before they'd even tried. The words were there, struggling against their throating, wanting desperately to be heard. They shook their head.

"I can do it, Suga-san. I want to. I want to tell them now," and the conviction, the determination in their voice caused Suga to let out a breath that they hadn't realized they were holding.

"I'll tell Daichi. Good luck!" Koushi said, giving Kageyama's shoulder another squeeze before running over to the captain. Tobio placed their hand over the spot that their teammate had squeezed and couldn't help but to think that if they kept finding themself in situations where they needed support from Suga, they'd end up with bruised shoulders. Or something like that, anyway. Suga didn't squeeze hard, but it seemed to be the way of calming people down that they were most comfortable with. Tobio wondered why, but was all too aware that their mind's tangent had served its purpose - they didn't want to think of what they were about to do, the words they were about to say. Aware of their situation once again, Kageyama felt bile rise up in their throat as their lungs began to clog up. They lifted a fist to their mouth and bit down so as not to alert anyone to the anxiety that had already built up.

"-geyama? Kageyama, are you okay?" the captain was standing in front of Tobio, who was visibly shaking, and he had an expression that portrayed his concern for his younger teammate.

"Kageyama, you're going to hurt yourself like that," Suga said gently as they moved to stand between their boyfriend and their kouhai. They placed a gentle hand on Tobio's forearm, "Move your hand away and breathe with me, okay? I've got you - we've got you. You're safe." Tobio shakily removed their hand from their mouth, visible teeth marks adorning their knuckles, and tried their very best to follow Suga's deep inhales and exhales.

Although Kageyama was unaware, Daichi had turned around and headed back to the rest of the team, so that he could ask everyone else to leave. Asahi had agreed instantly, and tried hard to get everyone else out as promptly as possible. Daichi knew that Asahi had been in Kageyama's position before, and that that would have been the motivation behind the ace's actions. Although Daichi did feel pity toward Asahi - pity that the ace had told him was both unnecessary and unhelpful - the captain couldn't help it. Asahi didn't _deserve_ to suffer - and nor did Kageyama, for that matter. He watched the two setters from across the room - watched the way that Suga helped Kageyama lower themself down to sit on the floor, the way that the third year kept a hand on their kouhai in an attempt to ground them. Daichi felt lucky to be dating someone as kind as Koushi, even if they did have a mischevious streak. After a while, the silver-haired setter moved their hand away, and Tobio did their best to adjust their posture into something more upright. Daichi began to walk slowly toward them.

As Daichi walked closer, Kageyama felt themself tense up again, but reminded themself to _keep breathing_.

"As I told you before, Kageyama has something to tell the rest of the group, but we both discussed it and think it's best if you know first," Suga explained, moving slightly away from the other setter. Tobio almost laughed at Suga's avoidance of pronouns. _Almost_. They inhaled deeply before speaking matter-of-factly.

"Sawamura-san, I want to tell the rest of the team that I'm-" the word was on the tip of their tongue, but their eyes opened wide and they glanced at Suga, panic rising again. Shit. They were so close. They'd managed to get that far. It was just one word. Suga's expression was soft, but concerned. Kageyama averted their eyes into their lap and spoke again, "I'm agender." The words were mumbled, but the captain heard them anyway.

"Like Suga?" Daichi questioned, and Tobio could see the other setter nodding in response out of the corner of their eyes. "You have our full support, Kageyama. Do you want me to bring the team back in for you to tell them, or would you like us to continue with practice as normal for now?" Tobio blinked up at their captain, allowing themself a moment for Daichi's words to sink in.

"I want to tell them now. I'm sorry - I'm making such a big deal out of this. I'm not normally this emotional," the pragmatic, stoic side of Kageyama had returned, along with their composure. They climbed to their feet, and looked toward Suga, who seemed unimpressed.

"You're not making a big deal out of anything that isn't a big deal," they said, and instinctively pulled the other setter into a quick hug. Surprised by the sudden display of affection, especially one by a senpai that they weren't particularly close to, Kageyama staggered back slightly, separating them. "We've got your back, okay? But the words need to come from you," another squeeze on Tobio's shoulder, and both the captain and vice-captain headed toward the locker room to gather the rest of the team.

Hinata came running out first, followed by Tanaka and Nishinoya. The two second years were shouting, looking pretty fired up about something or another. Hinata looked as if he was trying his best to join in with the other two, but there was so much worry in his eyes. Behind them was Asahi, who was wearing a concerned expression and Ennoshita. Next came Kinoshita and Narita, along with Daichi and Suga, who were talking quietly. Trailing at the back of the group were Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. The tall middle blocker was whispering something to the speckled pinch server, and it put Kageyama on edge. _Breathe_ , they reminded themself again as Suga and Daichi stood on either side of Tobio, who felt themself beginning to freeze, nerves sneaking through their system. _Not again_ , they thought, as they watched the rest of the team form a cluster in front of them.

"Kageyama has something important to say, so please, be respectful," Daichi's tone was demanding, and Kageyama knew that if they were on the receiving end of that tone, they'd be afraid. The group in front of them shuffled awkwardly. Inhaling deeply, Tobio decided it was best to just go with it. They'd stammered over the words, frozen when speaking to both Suga and Daichi. They didn't want to do it again, didn't want to make a fool of themself. They didn't want to be alone and _ignored_ , but this was it. This was their moment, and they couldn't back out now. They took another deep breath and let the words form.

"Thank you, Sawamura-san. I don't really know where to start, or what to say, so I'm just going to get to the point," they began, rubbing their shoulder, "I'm agender... like Suga-san, and I want you to refer to me neutrally, like you do with Suga-san." Tobio let the breath they'd been holding fall out as an audible exhale, and looked around at the various reactions of their teammates. No one looked annoyed, or upset. They just looked like they always did.

"Well done, Kageyama," Suga's grin was wide.

"So, you're like... not a boy? That's so cool, Kageyama! It's really BWA-" Hinata began, but Kageyama cut him off.

"Speak Japanese, idiot!" And the entire team dissolved into a fit of laughter, the tension evaporating. Everything began to return to their usual, their normal, and Kageyama was relieved. Practice then started as it typically did, although most of the time had already passed, and their classes were due to start soon. When afternoon practice rolled around, Kageyama's nerves kicked in again, but they hadn't heard anyone that had been told slip up so far - although they'd only really been around Hinata - but they were pleased nonetheless, so they tried their best to kick the nerves aside. Their issues with anxiety had easily slipped under the radar before - their old teammates not being there to spike their tosses had marked the start of their struggle, but now, their new team probably knew. Definitely knew, in fact. Tobio was all too aware that their teammates, no matter how much they teased each other, were actually fairly observant. There were many reasons to feel uncomfortable about practice, but their team was their other family, after all. That's what Suga had said, and they were slowly beginning to see it too. The session was uneventful, normal. Nothing had changed at all, and yet it had.

"If you ever need help with anything at all, I'm here, okay? And I'm sure Daichi will do his best to help you too," Suga told Kageyama as everyone began clearing the equipment away. The team's ace wandered over, seeming unsure of whether it was okay to intrude on the conversation. Suga nodded at Asahi, who took a deep breath before speaking quietly.

"And if anything like earlier happens, speak to Suga or... or me," Asahi looked reluctant, but the first year could tell that their senpai had meant every word, "I... have anxiety attacks too. Suga helps me out, so, if you ever... if you want help then..."

"Thank you, Azumane-san, Suga-san. And thank Sawamura-san for me," Tobio bowed gratefully, and Asahi shifted uncomfortably.

"Call me, Asahi. Azumane's a little strange to me," the ace blushed, and Kageyama nodded, despite being somewhat confused by Asahi allowing them to use the ace's first name. They weren't surprised to learn of Asahi's anxiety, however, but felt strangely proud to have been told such personal information - especially by someone older than them. They were snatched from their thoughts by a certain bespectacled blond, who was approaching them.

"Never did I think I'd see the day the Ruler of the Court let themself be vulnerable," Tsukishima was wearing a smirk.

" _Ruler_ of the... Court?" Hinata questioned, eyes wide in a mix of fascination and confusion.

"Well, they can't be a king if they're not a man, can they?" Tsukishima announced before stepping closer toward Tobio and leaning forward to whisper in their ear, "I'm not going to go easy on you just because you have anxiety attacks." Kageyama laughed, relief bathing over them. This was Tsukishima's way of caring, and Kageyama was grateful. Nothing was going to change, not really.

"I wouldn't expect you to."

The group left the gym, heading off to get meat buns. The second years and Hinata ran on ahead, with Yamaguchi and Tsukishima behind. Tobio was walking with Suga, at the back of the group, with Asahi and Daichi ahead of them.

"So, Kageyama, how are you feeling?" Suga asked.

"Weird. Good weird, I think. I'm tired, though," the younger setter said, with a sigh. Of course, they were tired - they'd come out multiple times in one day, not to mention the fact that they'd hardly slept the previous night. In addition to that, there was the constant crying and the anxiety attacks. It was probably a pointless thing to state - that they were tired - but they had done so anyway. The silver-haired third year gave an unsurprised nod.

"I told you the team would be fine. Not that I'd expect anything less... I think the anxiety attack confused them more than you coming out did." Suga had a point here - of all the people on the team who could have suffered like that, very few would have suspected Kageyama to fall victim to such a thing. Perhaps, if they were more open about their feelings with the rest of the team, then the others would understand? Tobio shrugged internally - it seemed too much hassle. This was fine for now.

"Probably. They don't want to treat me any differently, though. Tsukishima told me he wouldn't go easy on me for any reason," Tobio shrugged, and Koushi smiled.

"I'm glad that no one's treating you differently. If they did, they'd have to deal with Daichi and I." Suga let out a full laugh, and Kageyama couldn't help but smile.

"That sounds scary."

"We're not so bad, mostly." Suga smiled, but then continued with a more serious tone, "But please, remember, we're all here for you, okay?"

"Because we're family, right?" Tobio said quietly, mostly to themself. It was strange to them, to be able to call their teammates their family. But it was true, and they were thankful to know a group of people that were so accepting, even if some of them were infuriating and obnoxious. Kageyama exhaled and looked over at their senpai. The other setter grinned.

"Right. Now, go off and join Hinata - he looks a little lost without you!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that's it for this section! pls give me ideas for things you'd like to see - i do have ideas, but i'd love to know what you guys want to read too!
> 
> come say [hi](http://hells-puppet.tumblr.com/)


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